Gone But Never Forgotten

On my nightstand are two figurines that were given to me 3 years ago. One from a friend at my grandma's funeral of an angel called "angel of remembrance". Another is a beautiful woman in a pink dress with the breast cancer ribbon down the side. Both of my grandmas were survivors of breast cancer within just a few years of each other, so this figurine is a beautiful reminder of both strength and courage. My mom's mom is still a strong survivor and one of the most caring people I have ever met. She has a heart of gold. My dad's mom was a survivor of breast cancer, but unfortunately passed away 3 years ago (October 3, 2008), from a heart attack and stroke and had just been diagnosed with liver cancer.

So as I was cleaning this afternoon, I put the figurines back on my nightstand and looked at them for what they are to me. They are reminders of how blessed I was to have 26 years with my Memaw (and still going on 30 years with my Ma). They are memories of visits, phone calls, hugs, and kisses. They are the smell of my Memaw's Christmas dinner and the dumplins my Ma makes at Thanksgiving.

It's hard to believe that we are approaching 3 years of when my Memaw got her wings. I usually struggle this time of the year because at this time exactly 3 years ago was the beginning of a 7 week rollercoaster ride that will forever live in my heart and in my mind. I saw things that I never would've imagined that I would and did things with my Memaw that I would never want to live without. Nothing is harder than watching someone you love with all your heart slowly change over 7 weeks to having a stroke that left her speechless the last 2 weeks to seeing lifeless eyes on the last visit. Each weekend became precious and the next visit was uncertain.

When my Memaw first passed away, she would visit me in my dreams frequently over the first 8-10 months. They were always of her laughing, strong and healthy and young and vibrant. But they became less and less, and now I only see her once, maybe twice a year (if I'm lucky), and after really thinking about these figurines this afternoon, it made me sad. I wish she could see where I'm at in life as I approach 30 (granted, she'd still be settling for a great grandpuppy haha). I'd love for her to know that I was learning to play fiddle again. But most of all, I wish I had more chances to soak her in. And then it made me think (side note: you get me started on one thought and it snowballs! I'm a deep thinker, some times too much for my own good lol)  - why am I sad? Who am I really crying for? It's not for my grandma. I'm crying for myself because I want more of her, more of her time and more of her hugs. But if God said "well ok then" to my selfish requirement - she would be miserable and even more sick than she was.

Losing her taught me a lot of about not taking life (people's lives) for granted and taking time out of life to stop and let those I love know that I care. We can get way too caught up in life, and some times we need to take a break and actually live. We need to stop for that phone call or visit. It's sure to be a memory that we will never regret nor forget.

Walking On Water

Earlier this year, one of my friends created this bucket list of things he wanted to do before he turned 30, and I thought what a great idea that was! So I took his brilliant idea, and decided to create a list of my own. My Top 10 list ranges from fun things like ice-skate in Central Park, learn a new language (Norwegian and Spanish!), meet Dolly Parton to more serious things like bring my Papaw to Nashville for a day, run a 5k and read the Bible in full…..all before I turn 30 next June.

I found a great guide to reading the Bible in one year and immediately downloaded it to my Kindle. It’s a bit of an Old Testament, Psalms, Proverbs and New Testament a day. I’m almost a month in and am relearning about these stories, and in some cases, seeing them in a different context.

One of my stories earlier this week was when Jesus walked on water.

Matthew 14:25-31:

“Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, ”tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

As I read these passages, it hit me… “every day we are Peter!”

You see, the water he was walking on towards Jesus is our life, our path and the wind that came through is our struggles. When Peter looked down, he started sinking. That is us on our journey when we stop relying on God or doubt His love, companionship in our lives….we start sinking. But never fear! God is always there to reach out to us and catch us when we fall. That is a promise.

What Is Happiness?

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week (of course, when is my brain NOT turning?!). My life has been absolutely nuts for months and I'm slowly beginning to notice how exhausted I've allowed myself to become. I try to do so many things and I am not really good at saying "no", so I begin to spread myself too thin. So I realized this week that I need to do some re-evaluating.

Today, I thought about Happiness. What makes me tick? What brings me joy and happiness? I told myself I needed to make a list of the things in life that make me happy...so here we go:

*Happiness is the feeling I get after Zumba class.
*Happiness is walking on the stage and the band starts playing my song.
*Happiness is first thing in the morning walking my dog, when it's quiet, and hearing nature wake up.
*Happiness is getting home from a tiring day at work and having three furry children run to the door excited to see me.
*Happiness is friends who encourage, love and always have my back.
*Happiness is giving my last dollar to a stranger....and getting a smile in return.
*Happiness is laughter...and making other people laugh.
*Happiness is spending time with my family.
*Happiness is encouraging and complimenting someone.
*Happiness is rain on a Saturday morning and just getting to lay in bed.
*Happiness is a beautiful sunny day....laying by the pool!
*Happiness is being happy with myself. 


...and Oh, if I thought about it more, I'm sure this list could get longer. But how refreshing it is to look at the good things in life rather than focusing on the other things.

Just As I Am

I love singing the old hymns in church. It takes me to my childhood when I would stand next to my grandma and we would share the Hymnal as we sang on Sunday mornings. When we sing those hymns, some times I can hear her voice still singing along. She didn't have perfect pitch, but I would some times stop just to hear her sing, because it was this sweet, soft, high voice.

This past Sunday took me back to those days as we closed with "Just As I Am". That song was used frequently as the invitation back home. It always felt like the perfect way to end a powerful sermon. As we were singing on Sunday, a line jumped out at me:

“And I’m welcomed with open arms, praise God, just as I am"

It stopped me in my tracks. But as we sang it a few more times, it became the most beautiful thing I could sing. It made me think about my own faults, my failures, my imperfections...and then we sang that line again "And I'm welcomed with open arms, praise God, just as I am".

As I read those words "open arms", I see Jesus on the cross...His love stretched out and held up with nails. The beauty of that image is that we are made perfect in spite of our imperfections, and He awaits us with open arms, ready to love and be loved.

Makin' It Count

It's been nagging at me for the past couple of months. You know, like one of those little things that just won't leave you alone. It kind of looks like the green dude on the Mucinex commercials...and just as annoying. The big 3-0...peaking behind your shoulder, whispering in your ear. Now granted, I do have a little over a year before I hit that milestone, so it's not as close behind my back as what it seems. But over the last couple of months, my brain as automatically started thinking "you're hitting 30"...and when the brain comprehends that, then you have all of these thoughts that start coming up, and you really start evaluating your future. What does it look like? Am I doing things now to make for a good future? I was telling someone that something about 30 is really like becoming adult. Not that 26 or 28 or 29 isn't...but 30. It makes you think about life and what you want out of life.

Today, I had an "ah-ha" moment, as I became inspired by one of my friends. You see, at the beginning of this year, he created this list....10 Things to Do Before I'm 30. (And come to think of it, he was about the same time away from 30 when he created that list as I am to mine.) So as I had this "ah-ha"moment this afternoon, I started to think, "why not just embrace this year instead of getting caught up in worrying about life?" So thanks to my friend, Anthony, I am going to think about my top 10 list. I have maybe 3 things right now that I will probably put on the list, but beyond that, I have no idea!! I do know that it'll involve singing, traveling, personal growth goals, etc.

Any ideas? I'd love to hear!
And once I have the list, I'll be willing to share :)

You Are Beautiful

I am a perfectionist. I am a deep thinker. Both can some times be to the point where I tend to cause myself frustrating anxiety. I think about the “what ifs”, “what could happen”, “what should I do if xyz didn’t happen”. I have always been hard on myself. Growing up on the stage, I had to be perfect. I had to dress a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way and some times sing a certain way. I remember when I was 16 years old and decided to grow my bangs out. I had some backlash for changing my hair. I think all of that began to take a toll on how I eventually viewed myself. My teeth weren’t straight enough. I had a little too much hanging in this area and then over in that area. My whole life I have pointed out my flaws. But last night, I had a breakthrough. I actually looked in the mirror and was happy with the girl staring back at me.

This made me think about how sad God must be when we are so unhappy with ourselves. He created each of us in the beauty of His image. That mole or freckle that screams “hello!” …well God sealed it with a kiss. Those times when you think “oh I wish I could have her skin complexion (or whatever it may be)” …God says, you are unique and beautiful in My eyes.

So the next time you start thinking about your “flaws”, remember that God sees it as beautiful.

Say It Now

The other night I was sorting through boxes, kind of like a Spring cleaning...a bit early. I stumbled across a few books that I borrowed and knew what I was going to find inside the front cover...my grandma's handwriting. My heart hurt, and in that moment, I longed for nothing more than another chance to call her on the phone.

Three years ago this August, I was riding in the car after one of my shows and held hands with my grandma as we chatted it up about the show. The next day, we went to lunch after church and she wore this beautiful yellow dress suit. That weekend would be the last time I saw her "healthy" looking and not in the hospital. Two weeks later was the beginning of a 6 week journey I'll never forget. I'll save you the personal details, but it changed my life. I had been blessed enough for 26 years to be surrounded by my close family members, and without notice, I was losing one. For some time after my grandma's death, I beat myself up over what I didn't do. I didn't call her enough, I didn't invite her to my shows enough, I didn't  visit enough. If I could turn back time, I would do it differently.

But something she said the first weekend we thought we lost her rings in my ears - "You being here shows me that you love me".

Just seeing her handwriting in a book the other night brought all of these emotions flooding back, and it made me think... am I telling those who mean the most to me exactly what they mean to me? We shouldn't leave things left unsaid. Take the time each day to tell or show those you care for and love what they mean to you.